A Special Time

As I sit here in my hotel room in St. Paul, I am recalling the events of these last few days in my mind's eye.

The sadness as I arrived at the airport--without Mary for the first time in almost 20 years.  We would always have a comment or two about whatever rental car Avis prepared for me.As a frequent traveler with Avis, they upgrade me regularly from the car I reserve so we've had no charge upgrades to Mercedes S-class in Germany and convertibles in Hawaii. Part of our arrival ritual in this airport was wondering what they would give us this time and then reacting to whatever it is we got.   The discussion ranged over color, model and most of all the implication--she always hated Lincoln Town cars and Cadillacs for what they implied, not that the cars were bad.

My sister lives here and my brother arrived from Phoenix the same day I did. On the first day, I met with my cousin Mary Jo to prepare the house for the lunch and reception on Saturday. MaryJo has been a saint in helping me make everything work this weekend.  Thank you!  That night, I had dinner with my sister, my brother, cousin MaryJo and her husband, Denny.

Friday was more preparation work and I really don't remember a lot of details.  It was a whirlwind but we got it all done.  Meetings with the funeral director, ordering food for Saturday, picking up portraits of Mary I had ordered from California and then finding frames to fit--cheaper than sending the pictures from California.  Reenie and her gang arrived from Duluth and checked into their hotel.  Daniel, Kamie, Jake and Teresa arrived from east and west and joined them there.

Reenie had channeled Alberta (Mary and her mom) and prepared what I affectionally call the "Alberta Box."  Last year, Mary and I did a road trip to Portland. Mary was absolutely fixated on having a giant cooler with enough food and drink for a two week trek across the Serengeti. Uh, Mary, we are driving a few hundred miles per day and there are stores and restaurants and...  It didn't matter, Alberta had programmed her with the need to prepare and haul the "Albert Box" on a road trip.  Proof of Alberta's programming was seeing the spread Reenie had brought from Duluth. After all, its a two hour road trip so three Alberta Boxes had been prepared!  And, thanks to Reenie for her help all this time.

Saturday morning we had the burial at the Quirk family plot with only family present. Mary's son Daniel with Kamie came in from Pennsylvania. Mary's sister Reenie and her husband, sons and partners arrived mostly from Duluth area but Jake and Teresa came in from Portland. My sister, Sister Maureen and brother Dan from Arizona were there plus the Lamey cousins:  Kathy along with Dr John, Fran and their son Tom.  On my Mom's side were the Connolly cousins, John, MaryJo and MaryJo's family including the grandson,15 month old Paxton.

It was a short burial service as Mary had described in some detail what she wanted. I had made a CD with some music that Mary requested although she said, "You know what I like, so play those songs."  Daniel, her son, carried the cremated remains to the grave site.  Brother in law Tom had brought the boom box so we played several of Mary's favorite songs.  The funeral director led us all a short, sweet service and we ended the service by placing flowers on the wooden box that held her cremated remains while we played Eric Clapton's version of "Tears in Heaven."

After a lunch at the reception house, courtesy of Cecil's Deli, we moved on to the Funeral home.  I was so taken by all the friends and family who made the effort to be there.  Bernie and Sandy flew in from Washington that morning, the airlines lost their luggage for a few hours and when it finally arrived, they were forced to change in the restroom at the airport in order to make the Remembrance on time.

The service we held was virtually the same as the one in California last week. I found the big difference was that the California service, except for family members, was attended by friends of the past 20 years.  In St. Paul, friends and family attended who knew Mary as a young girl as well as an adult. As one of her cousin's said, "I'll get you some scanned images of Mary attending Christmas and summer vacations with us when we were very young."  I am looking forward to those pictures.

Many attended from our (Mary and I) first round of dating in 1965-1968 plus several of Mary's college friends from her "farm" experience.  In fact, Tom O'C read a series of email from the "Farmers" reflecting on Mary's life both in college and during the last six years since Mary reconnected with the group. Thanks to Tom for delivering the wonderful stories and thanks to the Farmers who could not attend but provided such warmth and love about Mary.

We held the reception and told more stories of course.  Later that night, I hosted 25 friends and family at Pazzaluna in downtown St. Paul.  The food was great and the companionship was wonderful.  The only thing I fear is that my best buddy since 3rd grade was seen telling stories to Mary's son Daniel and Reenie's boys.  I have a feeling they learned some things I would not have wanted them to know!

I met Reenie and family at the Como Conservatory just before they headed north.  Mary and Reenie were often taken to the conservatory when growing up.  I lived just outside the gates of Como Park so I spent hours and hours in the conservatory because kids could just get on their bike and disappear all day in those days. My cousin's Dr. John and Fran hosted a serial tag team of cousins all Sunday afternoon. Fran prepared a wonderful lunch for the early arrivals and then managed to whip up food for those who came later. Thank you Fran!

My brother Dan and Jake & Teresa flew out at 9PM so Daniel, Kamie and I had dinner together at their hotel.  They left this morning on a 9AM flight.  This afternoon, I meet my cousin MaryJo to finish the clean up of the house. Tonight is dinner with my former co-workers, Stacey and Bill plus Stacey's Mom. Stacey was my executive assistant in 1990 and following when Mary and I reconnected.  I am sure there will be some great stories tonight!

Thanks to everyone for the warmth, love and concern this weekend. It was a truly special time.  I realize I have been so busy that I will not hit the wall for a while.  And, friends that have lost a spouse tell me that the wall is pretty damned hard and takes a long time to recover.

Mary was my soul mate.  I don't think I could every describe in words what we have & had together.  I listened to what friends and family have said these last several weeks and there is a truth. We found our life's joy in our love for each other. I sincerely wish for all of you that you can have that same wonderful experience even if it is for a very short time--and as Daniel said last night, he feels cheated because Mary's death was far, far too soon.